Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Thoughts

A new day, a new post. Sorry I missed posting yesterday, I was going to try to post every day this week, but to be honest, yesterday was an absolute crap day for me and I spent the day at home in bed.

I wish I could tell you that I was sick, but I wasn't. I just didn't feel like getting out of bed. I was sad. Not 100% sure why I was sad, it could be a combination of a bunch of things, but sad I was. M tried all day and most of last night to figure out why, but I couldn't tell him. I did tell him right before I went back to bed for the night last night though.

But really, how do you explain to your husband that you are sad? And how do you explain why? Let's start out with some very basic facts.

M and I are trying to get pregnant. It's lots of fun trying (*snicker*), but as of yet, we have had no luck. We've been trying for about a year now.

Finally, we went to the doctors. Turns out, I need fertility drugs. Okay then. So I start taking the drugs. They make me feel like ass, and it sorta makes me feel like less of a woman, cause hey! I'm supposed to be able to do this, it's like part of the genetic make up of women, but whatever.

Been taking the drugs since January. Still no baby.

I know that I mentioned that his sister is pregnant again, right? Well she didn't want the kid in the first place, but for whatever reason is having it. And she has said right out that this baby (just like her first) is the result of a one night stand. Fuck me, that's depressing.

Okay, those are the basic facts. Over the weekend, M and I talked and decided that since money is a bit tight, and we are still trying to get all of our things here from Ontario, that we aren't going to do a vacation this year. So we decided that it would be more fun to get a group together and go camping. We've booked for the first weekend in August, which is right around our anniversary, so it should be lots of fun!!!!

M says to me on Monday night "What if you're pregnant? - Ya know, when we go camping?" and the first thing that popped into my head was "that would suck. I won't be able to drink with everyone"

This led to my depression yesterday. What kind of person who is actively trying to have a baby, and wants this more than life itself thinks like that???

Holy crap I am horrible.

But I did tell M all about this last night, and he told me I was being silly. Even if I did think that at first, the second thought through my head was "it would be SO great to have that story to tell the baby - of how mommy went camping when she was pregnant"

I know this is a bit of a downer post, but I am feeling like I suck today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

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